That's how too many of my night's drinking went. And depending on the answer, I would keep drinking or slow down. I would never stop until I was physically nauseous, someone was telling me its time to leave, or I ran out of money. I considered myself a social drinker; I only drank when I went out. But I thought the point of drinking was to be shitfaced, not just have a little buzz.
Don't get me wrong, I'd drink at home occasionally, but then I got hooked watching Scandal, and Olivia Pope had a glass of wine every night, and I was like, I've never had wine, let's give it a try. Instantly I was hooked once I found one I loved. I didn't care about the wine headache the next day. In my mind, wine was classy, so you couldn't tell me anything when I was using that as my way to unwind after a "long" day. If my kids had worked my nerves, there was a bottle of wine to unwind. I thought this was normal, to have a drink or the whole bottle after a long day or week.
When I drink, there are two or three sides of me, the clinger, the cryer, and sometimes the angry drunk, and once I started drinking, you got to see all three. My first wake-up call that maybe I don't have this as under control as I think was a birthday party I attended. I had three shots and 8 cups of jungle juice! Just writing that makes me nauseous. When I finally told my husband I was ready to go, I made it to the car; he started it up and cued the vomit. We didn't even make it out of the neighborhood.
I can't tell you anything about that ride home. He woke me up when we got home, and I had to run into the house as quickly as possible because I had stripped down to my bra and panties. I was sloppy drunk and clearly beyond that. I managed to pee in my daughter's potty training potty and somehow make it to bed. I'm so grateful my children weren't home. I woke up Sunday morning and honestly thought I was on my death bed. Nothing could fix how I felt, not grease, not a Mcdonald's coke, nothing!
Monday rolls around, and I have to go out of town to take my exam to become a licensed cosmetologist, and I had no idea how I would be able to do that. I was lethargic and nauseous like I had just drank. Yet, I pushed through and passed my test. I took a hiatus from liquor and stuck with my wine after that.
Drinking made me into the person I thought I needed to be, I could be me, I could cut up, I could let loose and dance, I could let all my Insecurities go, and I didn't care what anyone thought of me. I honestly wasn't being the authentic me! July 2021 is when I decided to take my pledge to stop drinking. At first, it was because my birthday was coming up, and I wanted to cut out alcohol and soda to lose some weight. It turned into way more than that once I started therapy in August of 2021.
My family hosted a cookout in July; there was lots of drinking going on. I was at home; some of my logic was to have as much as I wanted. That night after everyone left, I knew I'd had too much to drink. My children were roasting me about my dancing in the living room and a lot of which I don't remember. I remember yelling at them and going to bed. My Husband informed me I called my two oldest sons explicit names the next day. I didn't believe him. That's not a line I cross. I pulled my boys aside and asked. They agreed with my Husband. I cried and apologized. That is not the mom I EVER want to be.
I am choosing to live Authentically to be a better Mom and a better me! Without alcohol and with therapy, I've realized I've been hiding and numbing myself. At the end of a long day, I'm happy to say I don't drink anymore. I don't need a drink when my kids run me ragged or when I fight with my Husband. I sit, and I'm honest with myself on why I'm so triggered, and I work through it. Some days are a lot harder than others, but I'm living my life authentically without alcohol, and I have been since July 13, 2021.